I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend.

... that Josh is finally out of my life, and I'm away from the situation.

I've moved to Oxford, Ohio, to live with my aunt and uncle and figure my life out a little.

The short of it is that I took Josh back... way too many times... finally I ended it for good in about July, and since then he's gotten very malicious and angry towards me. I'm not ready to really remember any of it, so reading back through my entries is too much right now.

Anyway; we're not talking now, I have him blocked everywhere. He got into my email and put a bunch of people I'd met since him on filter; I filed a police report, but the officer blew me off, so I don't expect anything to come of it.

I'll update more at some point, but that's the basics.

Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violence
just run with me through rows of speeding cars.
The papercuts the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
i know you think it's more than just bad luck

There there, baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC's of growing up
No, no, darling
Oh don't lose your head
Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you yeah

Sleeping pills know sleeping dogs lie
Never far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
You can't keep on like this...
Now's a bad a time as any

There there, baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC's of growing up
Now now darling
Oh don't kill yourself
Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you yeah

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..it was a long time ago

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..it was a long time ago

There there, baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC's of growing up
Now now, darling
Oh don't lose your head
Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you yeah

Alone
2 am.
Pouring my insecurities
In your lap
Like hot coffee.
Sorry.

Stuff happened they way everybody said it would....

Josh and I are done. For good this time, I'm not going to keep doing this to myself. Clearly I am not a priority for him, and as they say... it is never good to make someone a priority when to them, you are only an option.

I'm not mad, not bitter, just done.

So, today consisted of:

1. Wake up at 6 am to let Josh in. Cuddle and sleep until 11.
2. Get up at 11 to walk him to the door.
3. Eat healthy breakfast of: Kashi cereal, half banana, raspberries.
4. Do laundry.
5. Go to park to write inspirational phrases on sidewalk.
6. Get kicked out of park for writing inspirational phrases on sidewalk.
7. Go to chiropracter appointment. Get informed that my right leg is significantly shorter than the left.
8. Buy things at walmart. Find out that my tax return has hit the bank.
9. Chill out at home.
10. Go to Walmart with Lina. Buy Jason the ficus plant, among others.
11. Decorate corner with baker's rack, plants, and corkboards.
12. Sleep.

I know this is what you all do on the weeknds. I can just tell... you spend your time knitting a condom amulet.
I have no words.

Josh and I are done. Completely.

No, he didn't cheat on me... nothing catastophic happened. We don't hate each other. But it was time.

I'm a fucking mess.

yeah, so ... moved into the new apartment... i'll take pictures and post them soon [with my new laptop...].

i'd be more ethusiastic but i just feel really, really overwhelmed right now.

josh stayed most of the night with me last night... he left around 7 because he couldnt sleep and went home to get a little extra sleep before class. im feeling really down about that whole thing right now, and ...ugh. i practically had to bribe him to get him to stay the first night with me. i feel like im a chore to him instead of something/someone that he enjoys and has fun with.

don't take that too seriously, because i know its not true, im just really upset right now.

ugh :(

"No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible."
-Voltaire

"What good fortune it is for those in power that people do not think."
-Adolf Hitler

All I can say is that this law, which goes into effect on Tuesday, makes me very sad.
It won't affect me, as long as I use compliant materials for any items that could be marketed towards children, but gosh.

:(

So, I have three commissions for fingerless gloves at work, and one for a toboggan hat.

Also, I got my CUSTOM HAND STAMPED ring today that says "live life simply <3"  :D and two stacker rings to go with it.

ALSO, I finally gave into the MooCards trap ... ha. THEYRE JUST SO DARN CUTE. I did minicards... 100 for under $25 [with a promo code] isn't bad at all. Next time, I'll do regular cards so i can do a full business card front .. and i'll put my email address on it. This time, i mainly printed them for giving out to people i know in person, and in packages when people buy things from etsy - but even so, I should've put my email on it. hmm.

Lastly, I HAVE A DATE TOMORROW NIGHT. Haha. It'll be the first time we've properly "gone out" for a loooong time.

I have three more things to list on etsy, but it wasn't cooperating so it didn't happen... >.>

Time for bed. Ugh, 5 am is less than 7 hours away. D:

So, I finally gave in to the etsy bug.

LooseStrings.etsy.com :)

I AM SO EXCITED. Hah.

More to come!

... because there's 10 inches of snow on the ground and i can't get my car out of the drive.
dad drove me in, josh picked me up from work and then drove me back there this morning, and dad brought me home.
i dont know how im going to get there tomorrow. ugh.

anyways though, last night was really nice. we hung out and watched a movie for a while, went to bed around 9, and i actually slept pretty well. there's really nothing that compares to waking up wrapped up in his arms, toasty warm.

i sent him an email tuesday night explaining why the whole "together but not" thing bugs me. i hope it wasnt a mistake. he didnt reply but he did acknowledge that he got it; that kind of frustrates me, but i know how he is ... he wants to figure out whatever the issue is by himself, and fix it, and then tell me. so i'll wait it out. its not as big of a deal as it seems, because i know he's not catting around on me, and i know it isnt that he doesnt want people to know we're together, or whatever. so meh. we'll see.

he is so great. i know ive said it seven million and a half times, but he is. he's always looking out for me and asking if things are getting better, whether its a broken tooth [which i think i have, ugh], my family issues, or a ride home. today he texted me to tell me about a girl looking for a roommate and pulled the flyer for me. just every little thing he does is so sweet.

PAYDAY TOMORROW YAAAYYY.
also, LAST DAY ON THE PHONES FOR BILLING TOMORROW. YAYYY.

next week, i get to go back to knitting 8 hours a day as i listen to Eli yack. FUN.

I think this job will last for a while, but unless I move into tier 2 tech [tech support, basically] or quality control, i dont think it'll be a "long term" thing. corporate B/S is already pissing me off - but good management is making up for it, so that impresses me. i got five 'company bucks' for showing up to work yesterday [because weather was SO bad.] ... they can be used towards a company tshirt or a few other things. also, for every hour of OT i work, i get another company buck. woot! also, we got five minutes longer on breaks, and free hot chocolate yesterday for showing up. pretty sweet.

also, after tomorrow, UNLIMITED OT. YAYYY.

oh, and sunday, my cousin's bday party! YAYYY. and josh is going with me! hopefully. assuming his profs don't kill him with homework. i swear, i will hunt them down ... haha.

i have lots more to say, but .. alas! supper is on the table, and my tummy is growling.

"Be not afraid; you were born for this." ~Joan of Arc

"I'm smitten - I'm in deep smit!" ~Anonymous

I'm totally selling on etsy now.
Erm, soon.

Also, im pretty sure I'm going to get a degree in marketing.

OH MAN YOU GUYS. OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN.

I'm a knitter... and a beader...

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!?

I can make awesome stitch markers!

BRAINSTORM TIME!

also, first item of CBF:knit inventory is officially almost done.
:D

The first six people to post comments to this entry will get something sent to them made by yours truly.

I reserve the right to make it extremely simple or extremely complicated, cheap or expensive, and possibly for your child instead of you. I also reserve the right to feel no regret if it isnt postmarked until Dec 31, 2009, but it will be this year!

The catch - you have to repost this in YOUR journal. :)

I work tomorrow, and I'm not really looking forward to it - but I'm definitely not dreading it. Except for the getting up at 5 am part. That part sucks for sure.

Its nice to have a job that doesn't make me hate life.

Calling about apartments tomorrow. Woot! Finally getting out of this place. I hate that I'm so excited about it, but honestly. :\  I should probably start thinning down my wardrobe/stuff collection. Heh.


So I'm trying to keep my nails long now. My hands are so super tiny and boyish... I'm hoping that long nails will make them look more feminine. I'm afraid they look silly though. I dunno.

Off to bed. 5 am comes fast.

1. I will learn to be more emotionally independent.
2. I will be daring.
3. I will be beautiful.


Okay, now the concrete ones.
4. I will overhaul my wardrobe to quality, good fit, and timeless style.
5. i will knit:
  a. dishcloth/towel kitchen set for my mom.
  b. lots and lots of stuff for the CBF.
6. I will keep the rat cage CLEAN!
7. I will eat healthier.


Wish me luck. HA!

I have cried so much the past few days... I'm going to try to turn over a new leaf. In 2009, I will be happy. I will not cry. I will keep myself busy, and I will become the person that I want to be.

I'm going to my first "real" party tonight... ha. Alcohol and everything! I probably won't drink; maybe some champagne at midnight, or something, but not much. I'm super excited, though, because I'm going to look hot! New wedge shoes, skinny jeans, and an adorable top... Oh, yes. I am excited.

Friday morning, I'm leaving for my aunt's house. She lives three hours away on a farm. I'll be there until Sunday afternoon/evening. I'm really looking forward to getting away from here and breaking the routine before I start Alorica. I won't update while I'm there; I may not even check my email.

On a seperate note, I'm getting really irritated with all the commercials and movies and shows based TOTALLY on love and relationships. Ugh. Valentine's day can kiss my ass.

Have a fabulous New Years, everybody!   

* clean up Christmas Mess from my room.
* organize room enough to ...
* bring Christmas Gifts down to room.
* clean rat cage.
* DONT sit and cry all day.
* catch some after Christmas sales at Kohls? 
* .... work.

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

How do I feel this good sober?




Except, as sober as I am, I don't feel good.